By Linda Jean McNabb
Have you ever felt like you were living the same day over and over? Have you ever felt like you were in the same person, (except with a different name and face) over and over? Have you ever felt like you were going from one dead end job to another? If you can say yes to some or all of these questions, then you are like most people on this planet. I was also living this life, for decades. It nearly did me in. I used drugs, sex, and rock’n roll to escape from the drudgery, pain, and bleakness of it all. Until I couldn’t anymore. Until I reached a cross-roads of, change or die.
Oh yes, I tried everything, all the formulas, all the exercises, all the recipes for success. None of them worked to give me permanent and lasting change in my life. Even if things temporarily improved outwardly, it would always fall apart, leaving me back at square one, feeling alone, angry, and hopeless. I observed that my life-long patterns of lack, guilt, shame, and depression (many times suicidal) kept surfacing and nothing I did out in he world changed that. It felt like I’d been banging my head against a wall for twenty years, with the bleeding and bruising on the inside.
At the age of forty-four and after what felt like the millionth failed attempt at a life, career and relationship, I got down on my knees and cried out to God that if there was a way to experience Heaven on Earth, I needed to know because I wasn’t willing to go on as I has. Either I had a job I hated and enough money to get by, or I had a job loved, but not enough money. It was making me crazy. I decided that I hadn’t come here to live a mediocre like. I came here to, at the very laeast, be happy. To simply be happy, that is all I’d ever wanted since I was a small girl.
My childhood was riddled with traumatic, life changing events. At the crux of my angst was a gang-rape at the age of thirteen, followed by the death of my younger brother. I never reported the rape. I’d begun substance abuse by age twelve, which led to an adulthood of alcoholism, promiscuity, poverty, homelessness, and even a small stint into prostitution. A age twenty-nine I was first introduced to the world of spiritual teachings through Shirley MacLaine’s movie Out on a Limb, and began the long climb out of the hole I was in.
Eventually my addictions fell away, one by-one. But still there was darkness from my past that lived and breathed inside of me. It had been there so long, it felt normal. I really didn’t know life without that inner darkness, but hoped there was something else. I felt like I’d been fighting against it my whole life. Fortunately there was always a part of me that would never let me give up.
Fast-forward back to forty-four, when I asked to be shown a way to Heaven on Earth. That night I went to bed and “awoke” into a state of total oneness. The next morning I was guided to begin writing and to move to Southern California. I didn’t want to give up everything and start over again, like I had so many times already. I was told by a voice in my head that.
If I did this, when I came out the other side of it, I’d never want for anything ever again, So I did.
Fast-forward to about two years ago when a book by bestselling author, Gary Renard, The Disappearance of the Universe, was placed into my hands, It spoke of a different kind of forgiveness. I also stumbled across and read his second book, Your Immortal Reality, which taught accelerated forgiveness techniques. I began practicing this different. Out of that I was inspired and guided to write a book of my life and began forgiving the past.
During this process I observed that as I transformed the relationship within me, the most tumultuous relationships of my life also transformed, automatically. The darkness within me, which was unconsciously rolling my life left. I literally felt it leave as I awakened spiritually. And this was just the beginning.
It was the deep understanding of teachings behind practice forgiveness that made it work for real and permanent change in my life. And this is nor the old fashioned kind of forgiveness where you say, “You are wrong, but i’ll forgive you anyhow”. That is not true forgiveness. True forgiveness teaches that we are innocent immortal spirit, and therefore can’t be damaged or destroyed. And if we are innocent immortal spirit, then so is everyone else.
We spend our lives judging what is right, what is wrong, what is good, what is bad, and then act accordingly. Our peace is constantly disturbed by the belief that we are a body that has problems and needs things. True forgiveness releases us from the false thoughts of separation.
This world is an illusion and is not our real Home. While it is true that in ultimate reality there is nothing to forgive because it is perfect oneness, within this illusion it works to awaken us from this dream. If the divided mind is like an onion, layers of false thoughts of separation, we will eventually undo or peel away all the layers until there is nothing standing between us and our total awareness of our perfect unity. And much like we awaken from a dream we have while sleeping in our beds at night, and see that we have never left the safety of our beds, we will eventually awaken from this dream and see that we’ve never actually left the safety of unity’s perfect love.
We’ve been crying out and yearning for unity our entire lives.
The only thing that will ever satisfy us is the magnificence of unity.
As we end our own suffering and awaken to what we truly are, we become living examples of truth and from that we become catalysts, changing everything in its path. I’m now living a life that I previously thought was impossible. Where I once built my life on the uncertainty of the unstable sand dunes of this illusion, which easily crumbled away, I now build my life upon the solid rock of perfect peace and unified mind.
I look at life and say, “This is not a problem”, and proceed from there. From that place there is no suffering, regardless of what is happening in the world. From that place I act only from a place of high wisdom, or not at all. It is through the forgiveness of life’s greatest tragedies, that we are given the opportunity for our greatest spiritual awakenings and life.